‘A white Christmas’ thought Yugi with excitement; this had been something that he had always dreamed of yet each year the snow never came. It was just like the promise he had made to Yugi. "I’ll come back for you," he promised; yet still he had not returned. Yugi hugged himself and sighed staring from out the frosted window onto the streets below.

Then suddenly Yugi was sure he saw him walking past. As he knocked on the window he stopped and looked around but didn’t look up. Yugi, frantic, knocked again but still he didn’t look, he just carried on walking again. The small teenager pushed away from the window and grabbed his jacket before putting his shoes on and rushing down the stairs.

"I’ll be back soon Grandpa!" he called. In his mad rush he knocked the Christmas tree from the counter but he couldn’t stop. He had to see him he just had to! He threw open the shop door and went out into the cold night air, the breeze sending snow swirling around him.

Yugi felt cold and alone, he had gone by and Yugi had missed him. But he wasn’t about to give up as he ran a little way up the street, the chrisp freshly fallen snow crunching under foot. He stopped; he couldn’t see him, where could he be? He had just passed this way but then he realised that he couldn’t see any footprints in the snow.

Yugi sighed, maybe he hadn’t seen him after all, it had been so long and he missed him so much. Maybe he was just imagining that he’d seen him. He looked up at the sky as one or two snowflakes fell and kissed his face. Cupping his hands Yugi breathed on them and was about to put them into his pockets when someone wrapped their arms around his and took his hands in theirs.

His breath hitched a little painfully in his throat as he looked down, his heart rising as hope began to build up in his chest. Hope that he had come back now!

But his heart plummeted back down like a stone as he looked down only to see nothing there. Biting his lip hard he realised that he had just been imagining it all again. There had been no one walking along outside his window and no one behind him holding his numb fingers. That had all been an illusion created by his grief-stricken mind but for what? To try and comfort him by trying to fool him into thinking that he was still there? Or to punish him for what he had done, it was his fault that he didn’t have him anymore wasn’t it?

With a shaky sigh Yugi suddenly realised that he was crying although he didn’t know how long for. A cruel wind came along to freeze the wet trails down his cheeks and make him shiver.

The boy stood there for a moment, cold and alone, before his feet started to move to take him somewhere. He didn’t know exactly where he was going; just that he didn’t want to go back to his Grandfathers store and have to listen to the same talk that he had been given over and over again. That was another thing that distressed him; before he had been able to stand being told the same thing twice as well as the old mans funny quirks but now he found that he couldn’t stand them.

What in the heck was wrong with him?

His feet kept on going, carrying him forward into the darkening night. Along the way he was aware that he was passing people but never once slowed or looked up. Yugi just kept on going, staring at his feet as they kept on going to nowhere in particular. At that moment he didn’t really care if he never stopped walking, if he just kept on going forever. Anything seemed better then the alternative of going back home.

Then for some unknown reason he stopped and looked up. He didn’t know how long he had been going for but it must have been some time as he was now right in the town centre across the road from the movie theatre.

Whilst he had been walking he hadn’t even noticed that the snow had turned to rain and was washing the fallen snow down into the gutters to become filthy sewage water instead of the clear pure substance that it had been before. His clothes were drenched; sticking to his skin that was shivering harshly, strands of hair mattered in an untidy fashion over his forehead.

But Yugi didn’t really notice the heavy rain even now. He paid no attention to the soft drum of the droplets hitting the pavement or the hurried splatter of people in coats hurrying to get inside. All he saw was the road ahead of him, where it had all happened. Where he had done something horrible.

It had been raining then too.

~*~ Flashback ~*~

"Well that was a waste of time," the taller boy rolled his eyes as they stepped out of the theatre with the few other people who had decided to see the movie on the same day as them. "I can’t believe I spent my money on that, I’ve never seen a film that downright sucked so much."

"You lie, you have," Yugi jammed his elbow into his ribs, depositing his empty drink carton in a bin as he passed one. "Remember the Blaire Witch Project? I was with you when you saw that too. THAT is the worst movie ever."

"I remember," he nodded absent-mindedly as his smaller companion reminded him before a grin stretched over his face. "But that wasn’t the worst time I’ve ever had. True, the movie was pure crap but the back seats that we got weren’t."

"Are you talking about making out with me or that jelly bean that you found on the floor?" Yugi smiled as he walked ahead a little, enjoying teasing his boyfriend.

There was silence after that as they filed out of the swinging doors and into the cold evening air. Shivering a little as he hunched his shoulders a little to try and conserve some body heat Yugi suddenly felt something grab his arm to pull him away from the main street. Slipping a little on the wet pavement he found himself being pinned to the wall round the side of the theatre.

Opening his mouth to protest, Yugi never managed to get the words out as a pair of lips crushed themselves against his in an almost bruising kiss. He stayed still for a moment as his surprised mind tried to work out what was going on before his body relaxed and he returned the gesture.

Reaching up he snaked his arms around his partner’s neck to pull himself up, a little annoyed about his shortness for a second. He could still slightly taste the popcorn that had passed through his lips only about ten minutes before.

For him time seemed to stand still but that didn’t matter as he enjoyed the feeling of his lover all around him. Then suddenly the lips left his and Yugi opened his eyes to look straight into another pair, shining like two stars in the already dark evening.

"I was talking about the jelly bean."

"You!" Yugi playfully punched him on the arm but couldn’t stop himself from laughing. More then anything he loved how they could joke around and play small games with each other, it made them feel like kids again.

Well, truth be told he liked that second best next to the sort of kiss that he had just been given.

"Come on, I promised my Grandpa that I’d be home quarter of an hour ago," ducking under his arms, Yugi went back to the main street that had already emptied due to the light drizzle now becoming heavier. "I’d better get moving or he’ll start to worry."

"He should know not to worry about you Yug, you can take care of yourself fine," he sounded a little annoyed at the fact that they couldn’t spend more time together but also knew well how close Yugi and his Grandfather were. "But fine, I’ll get ya home safe."

"What? Worrying about me?" Turning back to smile at him Yugi stepped out into the road without looking for any approaching traffic first. There hardly was any at this time so why would tonight be any different?

But he had been wrong.

What exactly happened next he wasn’t sure of. All the remembered was hearing a shrill horn ring out from somewhere in the darkness as there was a horrendous screech and the faint smell of burning rubber. Suddenly his ribs hurt as two powerful hands pushed him away from whatever monster had just jumped out of the shadows. Yugi tried to keep his balance but he stumbled and fell, scraping the palms of his hands as he tried to break his fall with them.

There was that horrible screeching.

He heard a painful yelp that tore through his chest as he heard it.

A dull thud.

Then there was just silence. Yugi just stayed where he was on the floor as his numb mind tried to figure out what had just happened. He didn’t turn around. He was too afraid.

It was only when he heard the frightening screech again and the faint smell of burning rubber that his mind put two and two together. It had been a car! A car had been zooming along the street and he hadn’t noticed. He could have been hit, could have been killed. But - -

All of a sudden Yugi felt something wet slither alongside his hand, something that he couldn’t identify.

Looking down his breath stopped, hitching painfully in his throat as he saw a trail of blood slide past his fingers as the rainwater carried it down the gutter at the side of the road.

Despite his fear Yugi turned but instantly wished that he hadn’t as he saw where the blood was coming from.

~*~ End of Flashback ~*~

It had all been over so quickly that Yugi still wasn’t sure what had happened. All he knew was that his life had been saved from a hit and run incident that night but someone else had paid the price for his stupidity.

After that he had seen him a few more times in the hospital but never once had he woken up. It wasn’t the cold that made Yugi shiver then but the mental image that was still stuck in his head. He had never seen his face so pale before, it seemed almost transparent. His hair had become scruffy and looked almost thinner to him, not the soft silky threads that he had loved running his fingers through before. And his eyes, his eyes almost seemed sunk into his skull, looking dark and lost.

There had been tubes and wires sticking out of what seemed everywhere every time Yugi had gone to see him in hospital. Each time he saw it the view upset him. He didn’t want him to be so hurt like this, he wanted things to be how they had been before when they were able to practice their duel skills and wrestle on the grass like they would always do.

But now Yugi knew that they would probably never be able to do that. A couple of months ago it had been decided that his injuries were so serious that he would have to be moved to another hospital. One that was too far away for Yugi to reach.

So now he was alone and hadn’t heard from him since he had been moved. Like everything else in this ordeal it had happened so fast that he had forgotten to ask about any contact details, all he knew was that it was far away.

The horrible feeling of loneliness that ate away just below his skin where he couldn’t reach overcame Yugi again. For all he knew he could be dead by now and he didn’t know. He didn’t know where he was or what was happening. Was he even alive at all?

Yugi didn’t even try to stop his tears as they came cascading down his cheeks again. There was really no way of describing the pain that he felt just knowing that he was all alone now. Even though he still saw him in his dreams that would only make him feel worse as he was always just that little bit out of reach where he couldn’t get to him no matter how fast or hard he ran. He wouldn’t turn to him no matter how loudly he called to him; he just kept on fading away into the darkness.

His knees grew weaker and unable to support him so Yugi allowed himself to sink down and sit on the kerb right by the gutter that had swallowed his lovers blood as it was lead there by the running rain water. There he bent over to bury his face and howl out his sorrows. No one came along, they were all inside so Yugi was left on his own with only the thunderous sound of the rain with him. The falling water had now stuck his clothing to his back and just about flattened his hair down but none of that mattered at the moment. Nothing mattered without him anymore. Yugi couldn’t even remember the last time he had got some duelling practice done, it just didn’t seem worth it without him.

Harsh sobs shaking his body, Yugi's head lifted, squinting a little at first as a street lamp suddenly blinded him, and spotted something shimmering lightly in the gutter. Picking it up to inspect it Yugi recognised it as a piece of broken glass with tiny droplets of rainwater making it glisten in the electronic light.

All of a sudden that sharp broken edge looked awfully tempting. Suddenly Yugi could just imagine the feeling of it running along his wrist, slicing through the skin to release the crimson fluid inside. But would it hurt? With the way suicide cases were put in news reports sometimes it seemed so easy, could it really be that bad? How long would it take if he got the exact right place and for how long would it actually hurt for?

Turning his wrist over to look from the razor edge to the thin delicate blue blood veins then back again it was more tempting then ever. Wasn’t it what he deserved? If he were dead then it would have been him who had caused it; it would have been his entire fault.

His fault.

He was a murderer. Wasn’t this what a murderer deserved? He had taken the life of another; he didn’t deserve to live on. Not at all!

His loneliness turned to anger as he stared down at the pale freezing wrist, shaking slightly but from what? Cold? Fear? Anger? He didn’t really know.

Unknown voices started dancing around and around in his head to block everything else out. They chanted again and again that it was his entire fault, that he had been the one who had killed him, that it was HIS entire fault.

The bitter anger tore away at him and Yugi, not thinking, thrust his hand downward to slice the piece of broken glass that he had found down his wrist.

Then it dropped to the ground with a soft clatter.

It had hurt, stung with a painful heat as blood began oozing out of the cut that he had just made. Yugi tried to cry out but all that came was a choked whimper as the hand that had dropped the glass wrapped around his wrist and squeezed tightly.

The anger was gone and in its place fear. He didn’t want to die! But why had he done that anyway? There was no proof that he actually was dead so what had possessed him to do such a thing.

But like him the answer was unreachable.

Biting his lip and hissing with pain through his teeth, Yugi steadily brought his hand away from his wrist to find with relief that in his blinding anger he had just missed the blood veins that lay just beneath the skin of his wrist.

He had been a complete idiot, what exactly he had been thinking Yugi had no idea but didn’t really think about it. Instead he just watched as the blood slowly seeped out of his wound to run down his wrist and drip onto the ground. There the rainwater would pull it down towards the gutter.

Yugi almost felt dizzy with the cocktail of emotions that hammered against his skull in a never-ending battle. Fear and anger and worry and misery and loneliness and a whole bunch of other things made his head hurt.

Tears continued to flow silently as his wrist bled. Looking up to the sky Yugi blinked as the falling rain stung his eyes. He could be up there but maybe he would never know. Wherever he was Yugi prayed that he hadn’t forgotten about him because he certainly hadn’t.

"I miss you so much Joey," he said in a broken whisper as the rain washed the blood away down into the depths of the gutter.